


Fight for the Hoedom

by dw_fwedewick_heweiden, orphan_account



Series: Basement AU [8]
Category: Eclipsial Labs And Research LLC, SCP Foundation, deus est mortuus
Genre: Crack Crossover, Demons, Eclipsial Labs and Research LLC - Freeform, Frederick and Lizzie kill the homophobic person though, Heiden has two pistols and anger issues, Homophobia, Lizzie the Hoe, Multi, Murder, Technically ends with Agent Doctor Merry Soo dying the same way she does in canon, This Is STUPID, planned murder, sex mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 05:08:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18844261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dw_fwedewick_heweiden/pseuds/dw_fwedewick_heweiden, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lizzie Taylor is NOT happy with the new transfer.





	Fight for the Hoedom

Agent Doctor Merry Soo was a new transfer from the Foundation. Eclipsial Labs had received her with a note from one of the field agents. “Fucking take her,” the note read. “I sure as hell don’t want her.”

They hadn’t quite figured out if it had been Frederick Heiden or Troy Lament who wrote the note, though. It wasn’t signed.

Lizzie was not happy. Her status as Eclipsial’s main hoe was being challenged by this...this NOBODY. Lizzie had always been wary of the new transfer, but the last straw came when she dropped by Rosier’s office, ready for a threesome with him and Luke (and maybe Adam would join in if he finished his paperwork early enough!) and found Agent Doctor Merry Soo down underneath the desk with the demon. What a fucking bitch!

Kai Heiden, on the other hand, was quite amused by the new transfer. They found it quite entertaining to watch her go at it with everyone while Lizzie seethed. And at least she didn’t make any advances on them.

Lizzie had had it. She was not putting up with this bullshit any longer. So, she sat in her office, reclining in her nice chair that she stole from Adam at some point, thinking about what to do next. She considered her options, realizing that she didn’t actually have many. She’d have to confront Agent Doctor Merry Soo if she wanted to make any progress. She was Lizzie Taylor, the local hoe queen, who’d gone at it at least once with everyone in the office! She wasn’t just going to stand by and watch Agent Doctor Merry Soo steal her status! 

Her mind drifted to the Foundation offices. Agent Doctor Merry Soo had bragged many times about how she’d seduced most of the men there, claiming she’d “cured” at least ten people of their “homosexual disease”. She’d very specifically mentioned the butterfly man whose name escaped Lizzie several times, and if Lizzie recalled correctly the very short man with many scars and anger issues was dating the butterfly man. Agent Doctor Merry Soo was unconcerned with this, seeming to only want to one-up Lizzie.  _ Joke's on her,  _ Lizzie thought bitterly.  _ Her shenanigans just gave me an idea of how to get back at her. _

 

In her office, the CEO of Eclipsial Labs seethed.  _ She thinks she can just come in here and steal my fame, huh? Steal my power?  _ Evelyn slammed a pen onto the table, blotting out a very detailed picture of Agent Doctor Merry Soo being mutilated by the giant spider that lived in the walls.  _ If she hadn’t fucking befriended all the test subjects, I’d have her thrown to them. Alas, even the spider was converted over to her...her RELIGION.  _

Agent Doctor Merry Soo had come up with sixteen new ways to improve the anti-aging formula in less than a week. This enraged Evelyn, since Evelyn had not thought of them first.  _ Thinks she’s so special,  _ Evelyn sulked, scribbling some more violent images onto her scrap paper.  _ She won’t be laughing when I feed her to the grinders. And she’s a damn hoe. Liz can’t be happy about that. _

Evelyn considered having Baal eat Agent Doctor Merry Soo for a second, before remembering that Agent Doctor Merry Soo had successfully won over Baal, Cainan, AND Ferthur in the past few days.  _ Hm...I could always ask Lizzie… _

_ That’s it!  _ Evelyn jolted up with realization. _ I’ll get Lizzie to help me. Surely she’ll hate Agent Doctor Merry Soo as much as I do!  _ _ She’s Lizzie Taylor, the local hoe queen, who’d gone at it at least once with everyone in the office! She isn’t just going to stand by and watch Agent Doctor Merry Soo steal her status!  _

And so, goal in mind, Evelyn pressed the P.A. button. “Can Lizzie Taylor please come up to my office? Lizzie Taylor, to my office, please.”

 

A few minutes later, Lizzie knocked on the door. Evelyn swung it open. “Lizzie. We have a crisis with the new transfer.”

“Yeah?” Lizzie climbed onto the desk, sitting on Evelyn’s paperwork. 

Evelyn deigned not to comment on the paperwork-sitting. “We need to get rid of her. She’s challenging my authority.”

“Oh my god, I  _ know _ . She’s such a slut. That’s my job! I’m not just going to...stand by and  _ watch  _ Agent Doctor Merry Soo steal my status as the local hoe queen!”

“I know.” Evelyn tented her fingers. “Do you know of anyone else who hates Agent Doctor Merry Soo? We’ll need as many reinforcements as we can get.”

“Maybe the short guy with the scars and the anger issues from the Foundation?” Lizzie tapped her fingers on the paperwork. “Agent Doctor Merry Soo was bragging pretty heavily about ‘curing’ his boyfriend, if I recall…”

“That’s the only thing I agree with Agent Doctor Merry Soo on…” muttered Evelyn. “Perhaps we can call that...short angry man up. He might be armed, at the very least…”

Evelyn reached for her phone and dialed up the number. 

 

Agent Frederick Heiden was having a fairly bad day. Or week. Or month, if you timed it right. 

For one thing, he’d had his boyfriend stolen from him twice in one month. The first by kidnapping and the second by seduction. Seduction that shouldn’t have even WORKED.

And for a second thing, people wouldn’t stop calling him now.

As if to prove a point, the phone began ringing. He sourly picked it up. “Who the fuck is calling?”

“Ah...Agent Frederick Heiden, correct?”

“That’s what they call me,” Frederick said, having tuned out of the conversation immediately upon hearing Evelyn speaking.

“We need your help eliminating Agent Doctor Merry Soo.” Evelyn’s voice went sour when she said Agent Doctor Merry Soo’s name. “She’s stealing my power.”

“And my claim to queen hoe status!” piped in Lizzie.

“Why should I help you?” Frederick asked, leaning back on his desk. “Your worker now. Your problem.”

“If she’s not dead, you can’t get your boyfriend back,” Evelyn said.

“You make a very good point. When should I meet you, and where?”

“No need for meeting me,” Evelyn said (with a slight grin that Frederick couldn’t see through the phone). “If I recall, you have a murderous lizard in your possession?”

“Well, yeah, but-” Frederick paused as realization dawned on him. “You want to feed her to the lizard.”

“Precisely.”

“I like the way you think, crazy lady.” Frederick laughed. “You’ll meet me here, then?”

“As soon as possible. Although I won’t personally be able to oversee it.” Evelyn sounded grouchy about that. “Still, I’ll send Lizzie over. She’ll be able to make sure it’s done.”

“Alright, crazy lady,” Frederick said. “I’ll see you.”

And with that, he hung up. He stared at the wall for a few seconds. Finally, he said, “Man, if I knew I’d be teaming up with a sociopathic CEO and a hoe when I was twelve, I would have seriously reconsidered running away.”

Though he didn’t really mean that.

 

In her three weeks at Eclipsial Scientific Labs and Research, Agent Doctor Merry Soo has gone at it many, many times with her peers. Right now, she’s having a particularly good time with that one demon twink in her office - he’s tied to the desk, and she was just about to get on top of him when she heard a knock at her door. 

Grumpily, she managed to get back into her clothes just in time for the door to open, revealing her arch-nemesis, Lizzie Taylor. “Lizzie. What do you want?”

“Your death,” Lizzie answered, swinging a baseball bat at Agent Doctor Merry Soo. Agent Doctor Merry Soo miraculously dodged the bat, and it hit the demon twink instead. “?! What’s your problem this time, Lizzie?!”

“Me and Evie have had enough of your hoedom!” shouted Lizzie, swinging the bat again and breaking a vase. “Or at least, I have.”

“I knew Evie was evil!” exclaimed Agent Doctor Merry Soo.

“The experiments in the basement really should have tipped you off on that fact,” a new voice piped in. “Though in all honesty, most of those were mine.”

A pair of hands gripped Agent Doctor Merry Soo. She whirled around in shock and surprise. “Doctor Ezra Winters?” she exclaimed sadly. “You, too?”

Ezra just smiled at her, cold as ever. Her hands gripped Agent Doctor Merry Soo harshly. “Agent, you should know this by now.”

The light glinted off the baseball bat as Lizzie swung it high in the air. Agent Doctor Merry Soo struggled, trying to get out of Ezra’s death grip.

“I only ever side with winners.”

And then Agent Doctor Merry Soo blacked out.

 

Agent Doctor Merry Soo found herself woken up rudely right above 682's chambers. A loud clicking noise caught her attention behind her, and she strained to see what made the noise. Another loud clicking noise. 682 rumbled beneath her.

Field Agent Frederick Heiden stepped up closer to her, wielding two pistols. Resident hoe Lizzie Taylor was right behind him. Frederick grinned maliciously, flipping the pistols between hands. "Hey, you fucking hoe-ass bitch. Regretting your decisions now?"

Merry struggled, desperately trying to break the ropes, to no avail. "You-! I-! I'll have you-"

"Have me what? Arrested for assault? Honey, you couldn't get me arrested if you tried," Frederick said with a laugh. "Anyway...Lizzie, you have any words?"

"Go fuck yourself," Lizzie said to Merry. "I'm the hoe here, not you."

And then Frederick pushed Merry into 682's mouth. The end.

**Author's Note:**

> uwu


End file.
